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The roll goes on with the massive highs and crushing lows of SEC whupfests we are accustomed to in the autumn of the year, all televised round the clock Saturdays for our enjoyment.
But first, some veteran couch potato midseason wisdom: Take a few moments to plump your sofa cushions in mid-October so they don't become misshapen and lumpy, as this can lead to soreness and vague discomfort during crucial stretch runs in November.
It's also a good idea to put fresh batteries in the remote NOW. Late-season remote failure could prove catastrophic.
All times Eastern
Oct. 13, 2012
Auburn at Mississippi, 12:21 p.m., SEC Network
If Auburn was my dog, I'd put it to sleep. I'd cry like Elvis when he got to the verse about pointing the gun at Ole Shep, but I wouldn't drop the hammer until we played Ole Miss.
The Rebellious Black Bears have lost 16 straight SEC games and would have snapped that skid last week against a good Texas A&M team if coach Hugh Freeze hadn't lost his mind and gone for it and missed on fourth-and-dumb at his own 39. He was leading by a little with less time left, and his dubious decision gave Johnny Football a short field and plenty of time to do what he does, which is, beat your behind. Final: Aggies 30, Black Rebel Bears 27.
"I would go for it again, every single time," Freeze said after the game. That's why I'd hold my fire for another week.
No. 1 Alabama at Missouri, 3:30 p.m., CBS
Missouri got beat on its home field by lowly Vanderbilt last week and now, here comes the thundering herd. The Tigers don't have their starting center, Mitch Morse, or their starting quarterback, James Franklin, who both hurt their knees falling to the Commodores.
And so Brad McNulty will take over at center, a position he has not played since he was a freshman in high school. He will attempt to block Alabama nose guard Jesse Williams, a 320-pound Australian gentleman known as the MonStar, who wears a Mohawk haircut and has mad ink running all up and down his tree-trunk arms with which he can bench press 600 pounds. Someone called Corbin Berkstresser will play quarterback for Missouri, which likes to run out of the shotgun. G'day, Mate!
No. 4 Florida at Vanderbilt, 6 p.m., ESPNU
Under Will Muschamp, who coached for years under Nick Saban, Florida has emerged as something of an Alabama Jr., with a no-nonsense run game, an efficient if unspectacular passing game and an irritable defense that takes it personally when opponents produce momentary positive gains. The Gators are ranked No. 4 in the nation and probably really are at least that good.
Vanderbilt is not, despite its heady victory over Missouri on the road last week.
Kentucky at Arkansas, 7 p.m., ESPN3
This game is so bad, they told Harvey Updyke if he'd watch it they'd drop all charges against him and let him go back to his trailer in Dadeville and he said, "no."
No. 3 South Carolina at No. 9 LSU, 8 p.m., ESPN
Why? Why? Why? South Carolina is an underdog in this game, just like it was last week before doing to Georgia what Bill Cody did to the buffalo of the Great Plains, powpowpowpowpow!
The Ball Coach's Boys won a school-record 10th straight SEC game and shut down the Bulldogs, who had been averaging 1 billion yards and 2 million points per game. Awesome runner Marcus Lattimore has come out of his stupor to re-attain previous levels of stompitude and Connor Shaw is a deadly accurate passer; the Gamecocks ran back a punt for a touchdown and the defense has been stifling. That's all there is, gang: offense, defense and the kicking game.
LSU has a good kicking game and defense… offense, not so much.
Tennessee at No. 19 Mississippi State, 9 p.m., ESPN2
Mississippi State is really good. No, really. I'm not making this up. But you keep wondering, will they regress and turn back into the Mississippi State we're all so familiar with, and could it be this week? They have a great defense and Tennessee has a great offense, so it could happen…
You know, Tennessee is a nice team, even if it has played nothing resembling defense so far and keeps losing. The Vols pitch the ball around, run well, score about infinity points but the defense gives up 2 infinity points and they lose. They are fun to watch.
Coach Derek Dooley is recovering from hip surgery so he will be calling plays in the press box this week, likely hopped up on painkillers. This could be the greatest game ever.
No. 22 Texas A&M at No. 23 Louisiana Tech, 9 p.m., ESPNU
No, wait, I changed my mind. This might be the greatest game ever. Louisiana Tech is extremely good, no really, trust me. Their coach Tony Franklin is a madman and runs the spread offense in a manner reminiscent of those defiant Miracle Whip commercials. They will not be quiet and not try to blend in and they will not tone it down.
Kevin Sumlin and his rooting-tooting Texas A&M Aggies go tearing up and down the field as well.
Put a cold skillet full of raw bacon on top of the TV and it'll be hot, crispy and delicious by the second quarter.
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