(RNN) - So there's a lot of important stuff I have to get to this week, but I can't proceed any further without discussing a matter of true national importance.
Kim Kardashian had her baby! OMG, I am, like, so totally freaking out right now, you guys.
But seriously, our long national nightmare is over. It was complete hell these last few months wondering what the blessed spawn of the Kimye would look like and be named (more on this - oh, so much more on this - coming up). It's just a matter of time before we get the birth video, staged pictures in something like Us Weekly and the release of a designer burp cloth line.
Kimye is a momye! I can hardly contain my excitement.
As an American, I feel as if I am under contractual obligation to give Kim and Kanye West's baby more attention than it deserves - just like the British will do when Kate Middleton becomes Kate Mummyton in a few weeks.
But now for that name. The Kardashian family is brought to you by the letter K. And the Kimye was almost certain to throw another K right in your face. They, however, did not. They opted to bestow upon their wondrous progeny the gift of navigation.
North West (get it?) has bucked the K trend and revealed the answer to the age-old question: Why was Twitter invented? This is why Twitter was invented, and Twitter stepped up to the plate and did me proud.
Please, follow that link. It's glorious. (Preview: "Kim and Kanye name their daughter North West. And that's pretty much all the guidance she can expect.")
It's going to be hard to top that, but here are some of the events of note that happened between June 24 and June 30.
From one American icon to another - yes, it's time for this week's installment of Here's A Bunch Of People Who Once Met John Wayne. We'll start this one in style with Katherine Hepburn, who died June 29, 2003. Hepburn starred with Wayne in Rooster Cogburn, which I have stated before is better than most people give it credit for, and the interplay between the strong-willed and feuding characters of Wayne and Hepburn drive the movie's drama and humor.
June 29 is also the birthday of Slim Pickens (1919) and the day Lana Turner died (1995). Pickens is better known for his role as Taggart in Blazing Saddles, but he appeared in The Cowboys as a bartender who suggests Wayne use boys to help him move his cows after all the men in town are gone looking for gold.
Turner was famous for other roles as well, including Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Peyton Place, but she sailed the sea with Wayne in The Sea Chase. John Fiedler, who played lawyer J. Noble Daggett in True Grit, died June 25, 2005. He was also known as Juror No. 2 in 12 Angry Men.
Susan Hayward was born June 30, 1917, and was in three films with Wayne, including The Conqueror. Her death is often cited as one of the cancer cases attributed to the film's shooting location down wind of a Nevada nuclear test site.
Christian rock guitarist John Warne was born June 27, 1979.
It doesn't get much more frivolous than randomly connecting people to John Wayne week after week until you hear that YouTube sensation Antoine Dodson was born June 27, 1986. Dodson rose to fame after a hilarious interview on Raycom's own WAFF in Huntsville, AL, after an attempted rape on his sister. Then YouTube did what YouTube does.
As-seen-on-TV star pitchman Billy Mays died June 28, 2009. Mays rose to fame for his over-the-top delivery style pitching various products, including OxiClean, Might Putty, the Hercules Hook and Zorbeez.
Mays was on a plane that suffered a rough landing after a tire blew out when it touched down in his hometown of Tampa, FL, the day before his death. He was hit in the head with a piece of luggage during the crash, but suffered no injuries. His death was attributed to a heart condition exacerbated by cocaine, but a follow-up inquiry by his family ruled out cocaine as a contributing factor.
Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson died June 25, 2009. Fawcett's death was big news and was getting extensive coverage until reports that Jackson had been taken to the hospital and later died dominated the rest of the day.
The bodies of Chris Benoit, his wife and son were discovered June 25, 2007, following a double murder-suicide committed by Benoit over a period of about three days. Many theories about his motive surfaced, including marital trouble, his son's alleged autism, brain damage from repeated concussions, alcohol use and steroid use, but none are confirmed.
Pat Morita, known as Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid, was born June 28, 1932, Mel Brooks was born June 28, 1926, Jackie Gleason died June 24, 1987, and James Madison died June 28, 1936.
If you look around and wonder when people stopped paying attention to everything around them and started looking at their phones, it was June 29, 2007. That's the day Apple released the iPhone. Do you remember when they came out and you made fun of the people who bought them for spending so much money on a cell phone and asked "what does it do?" I did.
Now you're probably like me and look at your own iPhone with a number like 4 or 5 after it and wonder how you ever existed without Angry Birds, Cut The Rope or Temple Run to occupy you. (Cover Orange and Save The Pencil are also good time wasters.)
President John F. Kennedy spoke in Berlin, Germany, June 26, 1963, to offer U.S. support to West Germany almost two years after the Berlin Wall was constructed. Kennedy closed the speech with one of the most famous lines he ever spoke that translated from German means "I am a Berliner." There was controversy, of course, with many people claiming he had used the language improperly when he, in fact, hadn't.
One of the most famous roller coasters in the world, the Coney Island Cyclone, opened June 26, 1927, O Canada was first performed June 24, 1880, the first bar code was scanned June 26, 1974, the Interstate Highway System was created June 29, 1956, Christmas was declared a national holiday June 26, 1870, Labor Day became a holiday June 28, 1894, and Albert Einstein introduced special relativity June 30, 1905.
A.E.J. Collins scored 628 runs not out June 27, 1899, which is the highest score ever recorded in cricket. I had no idea what that meant, and after trying to learn about cricket, what I learned is too complicated to try to explain here.
This article is the best thing I could find. It is rampant with cricket terminology that sounds the same as baseball terminology but means something completely different. The previous record was 485, and the cricket match lasted four days. Collins was 13 at the time, and 15 years later he died in combat in World War I.
Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield's ear June 28, 1997. That's pretty self explanatory, and here's some video of the event (brief profanity at the 1:09 mark).
The Battle of Monmouth was fought June 28, 1778, and resulted in the British Army leaving New Jersey. The battle wasn't an immediate victory, but it started a long process of strategic blunders by the British. The battle is associated with the legend of Molly Pitcher, who accompanied her husband to the field and helped man a cannon when another soldier was killed.
George Custer and the 7th Cavalry were massacred at the Battle of the Little Bighorn on June 25, 1876. The battle is known as Custer's Last Stand, even though there may not have been an organized "last stand" by the soldiers. The army was outnumbered and was defeated in less than two hours. The battle is chronicled in several documentaries, including one in the first episode of The History Channel's Battlefield Detectives.
Custer had risen to the rank of three-star general during the Civil War and achieved notoriety for his exploits at the First Battle of Bull Run, Battle of Gettysburg and at Appomattox. His rank was lowered after the Civil War, and his body was disinterred from the site of the battle and buried in West Point, NY, on the campus of the U.S. Military Academy.
The Treaty of Versailles ending World War I was signed June 28, 1919.
June 25 is National Catfish Day. Hoo boy, now this is what I'm talking about. I'm from Mississippi, which is the top producer of farm-raised catfish, and that's some serious good eating. I can also attest that it's easier to eat than it is to catch.
If I was about to be executed, fried catfish is what I would choose for my last meal (by the way, I don't plan on doing anything for which I would be executed). Now we just need National Cornbread Day and we're set. (It's April 27.)
"The luckiest man on the face of the earth."
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