The Line King: The history of end zone celebrations and weekend - Tucson News Now

The Line King: History of end zone celebrations, weekend picks

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The following column is satire and intended for entertainment purposes.

(RNN) - While limping through this past college football weekend and watching Utah players giving each other a "flying chest bump" after scoring the 70th point of the game, The Line King began wondering about the history of end zone celebrations. There's no place better to highlight the demise of college football than exploring the evolution of ostentatious post-touchdown merrymaking.

1950s: Not enough data since most games ended with scores of 0-0, 3-0, 3-2 or 5-3

1960s: Player scores game-winning, fourth-quarter touchdown. Player hands ball to referee, shakes QB's hand. Head coach in suit and felt fedora yells at player for missing block in first half – tells him to go sit on the bench. Player grabs metal ladle from old wooden bucket, quenching his thirst with room temperature water – grass clippings in water add flavor. Player's girlfriend tells him afterwards she is leaving school to follow Jefferson Airplane.

1970s: Player scores game-winning, fourth-quarter touchdown. Player tosses ball to referee. Gives "high five" to his teammates. Head coach in mega-tight polyester pants, polyester golf shirt and polyester mesh ball cap yells at player for showboating – tells him to go sit on bench. Player pushes his way through dripping offensive linemen to grab cup of room temperature water from card table. Player reports to the clinic Monday morning with dysentery.

1980s: Player scores game-winning, fourth-quarter touchdown. Player drops ball on ground and begins choreographed mega-dance with teammates. Delivers "high fives" to everyone he can find. Very old head coach in sweatshirt doesn't notice. Player grabs water bottle – in midstream, from offensive lineman – and quenches thirst with fancy, new, green sports drink. Player reports to clinic Monday morning with mysterious rash.

1990s: Player scores game-winning, fourth-quarter touchdown. Player throws ball into air and runs to stands and proposes to his girlfriend. Coach grabs sports information director and asks if they got that for their recruiting promo. Player grabs a bottle with "electrolytes," which he sips as he calls agent to see if he got that for his draft promotion video.

2000s: Player scores game-winning, fourth-quarter touchdown. Player spins ball like top and runs to sideline camera for posing. Coach runs over to female bombshell sideline reporter and says he is ready to answer any questions she might have. Player forgoes quenching his thirst; calls peeps on cell phone. Player arrested later that night for driving naked around campus in stolen car.

2010s: Player scores game-winning, fourth-quarter touchdown. Player drops ball on ground (preferably after he crosses the goal line; Celebration Fail) and either Tebows, tweets about it, gives a "Flying Chest Bump" or all three. Head coach reminds player to drink energy drink while the camera is on him. Player waits until camera is white-balanced and focused, then pretends to sip energy drink while smiling broadly as he gives "fives" to millionaire boosters wearing media credentials on sidelines. Athletic director inks new merchandise contract highlighting moment. Player's uncle accused of selling game-worn cleats on internet.

Week Two: 4-5

Season: 12-9

Sept. 14

Louisville -14 @ Kentucky: Once again the Mildcats perform up to Ohio Valley Conference standards.

Southern Miss @ Arkansas -22: Southern Ole Miss is the perfect example of why you don't unceremoniously run off the coach that led you to 14 consecutive winning seasons and 10 bowl games then hire a fancy-pants, visor-wearing Offensive Coordinator that you know will be gone after four seasons. Now the Southern Ole Miss program is in complete shambles.

Alabama @ Texas A&M +7.5: Bammer is looking to revenge its only defeat last season; just about everyone would rather have a root canal than have to watch a college sophomore run around the field mocking everything that is good in this world and A.J. McCarron's girlfriend now has a million-plus followers on Twitter … perfect time to hold your nose and take the home dog points.

Western Michigan @ Northwestern -31: The Line King has officially jumped on the Northwestern bandwagon. Take them the rest of the season no matter the number.

Tennessee @ Oregon -27.5: Mike $live has done all he can to have this game canceled.

Mississippi State @ Auburn - 6: Proof that The Line King checks his emotions at the door.

Vanderbilt @ South Carolina -13.5: At this rate, the $EC East champion might show up in Atlanta in December with a 6-6 record. Just not enough points to sit with the Vandy fan this weekend.

Kent State +37 at LSU: The Tigers have a history of not covering these types of games … can they do it two weeks in a row? No.

UTEP -6.5 at New Mexico State: This is officially "The Most Insignificant 'Rivalry'" in college football.

Mississippi +3.5 @ Texas: For The Line King, this game is like North Korea vs. Iran. Can it end in a tie? Maybe Mississippi can end the Mack Brown drama this weekend.

Copyright 2013 Raycom News Network. All rights reserved.

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