Line King: College football needs The 'U' back - Tucson News Now

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Line King: College football needs The 'U' back

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  • AuburnMore>>

  • No. 6 Auburn defeats Arkansas in season opener 45-21

    No. 6 Auburn defeats Arkansas in season opener 45-21

    Monday, September 1 2014 3:41 PM EDT2014-09-01 19:41:18 GMT
    (Source: WSFA 12 News)(Source: WSFA 12 News)
    The Auburn Tigers defeated the Arkansas Razorbacks on Saturday by a score of 45-21 to start the 2014 season. From the way things looked on Saturday, the Auburn offense has not slowed down since 2013. The
    The Auburn Tigers defeated the Arkansas Razorbacks on Saturday by a score of 45-21 to start the 2014 season.
  • What We Learned from the SEC in Week 1

    What We Learned from the SEC in Week 1

    Sunday, August 31 2014 1:51 PM EDT2014-08-31 17:51:41 GMT

    For a while, it looked like the college football world was going to be upended in the first week of play, but it all worked out according to plan in the end.

    For a while, it looked like the college football world was going to be upended in the first week of play, but it all worked out according to plan in the end.

  • No. 6 Auburn runs over Arkansas

    No. 6 Auburn runs over Arkansas

    Saturday, August 30 2014 11:56 PM EDT2014-08-31 03:56:50 GMT
    No. 6 Auburn wasted no time getting into conference play.The reigning Southeastern Conference champion wasted no time getting its first win either after defeating Arkansas 48-24."I'm very proud of our
    No. 6 Auburn wasted no time getting into conference play.The reigning Southeastern Conference champion wasted no time getting its first win either after defeating Arkansas 48-24."I'm very proud of our
  • AlabamaMore>>

  • Saban wraps up WVU game, previews FAU

    Saban wraps up WVU game, previews FAU

    Monday, September 1 2014 3:59 PM EDT2014-09-01 19:59:01 GMT
    The focus for the second ranked Alabama Crimson Tide heading into their game against Florida-Atlantic is strictly on improving as individual players and as a team as a whole.

    The focus for the second ranked Alabama Crimson Tide heading into their game against Florida-Atlantic is strictly on improving as individual players and as a team as a whole.

  • Karle's Korner: The Crimson Tide's odd couple may just have the last laugh!

    Karle's Korner: The Crimson Tide's odd couple may just have the last laugh!

    Monday, September 1 2014 2:09 PM EDT2014-09-01 18:09:29 GMT
    Perhaps it was the fact that Alabama's new offensive coordinator was coaching from the sideline. Perhaps it was that screen grab with less than two minutes remaining in the first quarter that went viral.
    Perhaps it was the fact that Alabama's new offensive coordinator was coaching from the sideline. Perhaps it was that screen grab with less than two minutes remaining in the first quarter that went viral.
  • What We Learned from the SEC in Week 1

    What We Learned from the SEC in Week 1

    Sunday, August 31 2014 1:51 PM EDT2014-08-31 17:51:41 GMT

    For a while, it looked like the college football world was going to be upended in the first week of play, but it all worked out according to plan in the end.

    For a while, it looked like the college football world was going to be upended in the first week of play, but it all worked out according to plan in the end.

  • South CarolinaMore>>

  • No. 9 South Carolina, No. 16 Clemson lose openers

    No. 9 South Carolina, No. 16 Clemson lose openers

    Sunday, August 31 2014 6:27 PM EDT2014-08-31 22:27:33 GMT
    Dylan Thompson (Source: TheBigSpur.com) Dylan Thompson (Source: TheBigSpur.com)
    COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) - Maybe it's not too early for some Palmetto panic after No. 9 South Carolina and No. 16 Clemson both were blown out on opening weekend. It's the first time in 15 years the Palmetto
     Maybe it's not too early for some Palmetto panic after No. 9 South Carolina and No. 16 Clemson both were blown out on opening weekend. 
  • USC's Mike Davis doubtful for ECU

    USC's Mike Davis doubtful for ECU

    Sunday, August 31 2014 3:14 PM EDT2014-08-31 19:14:00 GMT
    Mike Davis Mike Davis
    COLUMBIA, SC (TheBigSpur.com) - South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier said during his Sunday teleconference that running back Mike Davis is doubtful for Saturday night's game against East Carolina. Davis
    COLUMBIA, SC (TheBigSpur.com) - South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier said during his Sunday teleconference that running back Mike Davis is doubtful for Saturday night's game against East Carolina. Davis
  • What We Learned from the SEC in Week 1

    What We Learned from the SEC in Week 1

    Sunday, August 31 2014 1:51 PM EDT2014-08-31 17:51:41 GMT

    For a while, it looked like the college football world was going to be upended in the first week of play, but it all worked out according to plan in the end.

    For a while, it looked like the college football world was going to be upended in the first week of play, but it all worked out according to plan in the end.

The following column is satire and meant for entertainment purposes.

(RNN) - We are one quarter of the way through the 2013 college football season, and here is The Line King's Annual Conference Nugget Report.

He has long grieved because there are no longer any top-notch, beat-you-flat-then-rub-it-in, bad-guy hate magnets left in the bleak college football landscape of today. Miami of the 1990s, better-known as The "U," set a standard of indomitable wickedness that has yet to be repeated.

But hope floats eternally, because The Line King is a glass-half-full kind of guy:

ACC: Has the actual "U" returned? College football needs them! Bama is just not a good enough heel. The 2013 "U" has also given up only 50 points in four games. They just need more off-the-field antics and post-TD posing.

Big East (they should have never changed their name): Houston is a nice surprise. The Coogs might not be The "U," but they are a delightful 4-0 straight up/against the spread. SMU has a great 30 for 30 special like The "U," but is an appalling 0-4 ATS.

Big 8: Is Baylor the next "U?" I doubt the Southern Baptists would allow the necessary antics, but the Bears are running through opponents quicker than a snake handler goes through a vial of anti-venom serum. They've also only given up 23 points in four games. Twenty-three!

Big 11: The Big 11 will never produce a "U." Although Michigan's QB wearing No. 98 is pretty cool.

C-USA: The once proud Southern Miss program is the perfect example of why you don't run off a coach who produced 14 consecutive winning seasons and 10 bowl games. Wake up, people, it's Hattiesburg, not Miami.

Independents: The "U" would certainly like to rekindle the  venerable "Catholics vs. Convicts" rivalry, especially considering that Notre Dame is a horrid 0-4 ATS.

MAC: "U"Mass (yes, it is in the MAC) has only scored 28 points in four games. Yikes, that's not "U"-like.

MountainBigWestWAC: Usually produces a few teams worth following.  And like the old "U," the Benjamins are flying all over the place. "U"tah State is 4-1 ATS and while Hawaii is 0-4 on the field, they have nice beaches and are 3-1 ATS.  

PAC 10+2: While not The "U," the "O" is certainly making an early season run for a spot in Pasadena. The Ducks have scored 239 and given up 43... very "U"-like. And forget SoCal's 3-2 record, Lane Kiffin got fired because they are 1-4 ATS.

$EC: Despite brainwashing half the nation, the $EC is not at all "U"-like ATS. Mike $live would love to replace Starkville with Miami. Although Mizzou (who remembered they are in the $EC?) is 4-0 SU and ATS.

Sun Belt: South Alabama is 3-1 ATS, but Mobile will never be confused with Miami. Neither will Monroe or Lafayette (LA), Bowling Green (KY), Troy (AL) or San Marcos (TX). Heck, Atlanta is not Miami, either, although they think they are. Next year add Boone (NC) and Statesboro (GA).

Week 4: 6-3-1 (again)

Total: 29-20-2

Week 5

GaState @ Bammer -56: Old-school "U" beatdown.

Clemson @ Syracuse +14: Lots of orange... just like The "U."

UGA -11 @ Rocky Top: Speaking of Orange, ol' Smokey can only wish it was The "U."

Arkansas +10 @ The Swamp: The "U" took care of the Gators earlier, deflating giant egos all up and down I-75.  

Mizzou @ Vandy -4.5: Vandy is a private school just like The "U," or so the Vandy fan keeps saying.

Mississippi @ Barn +3: Black Bear fans are still excited about the Music City Bowl.

Kentucky @ SoCar -21.5: The Visor would have been a perfect fit at The "U." Instead, he is in Columbia. Oh well.

San Jose @ Hawaii +4.5: Think ATS my friends... ATS and those beaches.

TCU @ Oklahomer -11: TCU could be The "U." But it isn't.  

GaTech @ The "U" -4.5: Welcome back, The "U."

Copyright 2013 Raycom News Network. All rights reserved.

  • Southeastern ConferenceMore>>

  • What We Learned from the SEC in Week 1

    What We Learned from the SEC in Week 1

    Sunday, August 31 2014 1:51 PM EDT2014-08-31 17:51:41 GMT

    For a while, it looked like the college football world was going to be upended in the first week of play, but it all worked out according to plan in the end.

    For a while, it looked like the college football world was going to be upended in the first week of play, but it all worked out according to plan in the end.

  • Marshall, Johnson, No. 6 Auburn top Arkansas 45-21

    Marshall, Johnson, No. 6 Auburn top Arkansas 45-21

    Saturday, August 30 2014 10:30 PM EDT2014-08-31 02:30:45 GMT
    Jeremy Johnson passed for 243 yards and two touchdowns in the first half and Nick Marshall returned from suspension with a 19-yard scoring run to lift No. 6 Auburn to a 45-21 opening victory over Arkansas on Saturday.
    The Auburn offense didn't slow down a bit, even with Nick Marshall a spectator for half the game.
  • Sims starts, No. 2 Alabama beats WVU, 33-23

    Sims starts, No. 2 Alabama beats WVU, 33-23

    Saturday, August 30 2014 9:40 PM EDT2014-08-31 01:40:52 GMT
    Blake Sims was good enough to finish his first start at quarterback for Alabama, getting plenty of help from Amari Cooper, T.J. Yeldon and Derrick Henry, and the second-ranked Crimson Tide held off West Virginia...
    Blake Sims took a seat on the bench next to Jake Coker after leading Alabama to a score and the two chatted for a few minutes before it was time for the offense to go back on the field.
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