(RNN) – Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-barf.
If you are one of the sane members of American society, you hate Christmas music. The only thing good about dashing through the snow is it means getting closer to being inside where the pervasive cold of that beautiful scourge of nature can't find you.
Deck the Halls? Why? What did they do to deserve that?
Up on the housetop? Only if you're retrieving a wayward football.
Twelve Days of Christmas? Christmas is one day, not Hanukkah-and-a-half. If you ever give anyone three French hens, they better be baked and covered in a honey glaze.
Grandma didn't get run over by a reindeer, she hit it with her battleship of a Buick because deer are stupid and don't have the common decency to get out of the road when you have somewhere to be.
And if a child ever tells you he saw a dancing snowman, make sure he hasn't been hitting the egg nog.
Most Christmas music is inherently awful because the songs are happy and don't reflect what a real Christmas is like. And all the "classic" Christmas songs were recorded 50 years ago by people who have long since died. It might not be so bad if it were escapable, but after Halloween you can't go 10 steps without hearing roasting chestnuts, Jack Frost nipping and Nat King Cole wishing you Merry Christmas.
Can't it wait until at least after the Heisman Trophy is presented? (No. It can't. It's TOO SOON!)
The best-selling song ever recorded is White Christmas by Bing Crosby. It's a melancholy tune about a guy who wishes it would snow one day of the year, presumably because he has the good sense to know that two days of snow will make you want to impale yourself on O Tannenbaum.
It has a near identical tone of Blue Christmas, which is one of the most depressing songs ever written (unless it's sung by Porky Pig). In the most famous version, Elvis Presley solemnly laments the beautiful sights of the season, including freshly fallen snow and a decorated tree, but can't enjoy it because he's missing his lover. On second thought, it might be greatest song ever written.
Elvis should've just stopped crooning and talked to one of the back-up singers and saved her from her ooo-ooo-wee-oooing nightmare.
But that's just scratching the surface. Below are some holiday tunes that are so awful it's difficult to even get through them once, much less have them blasted at you involuntarily for two months a year. Thankfully, most of them are short.
Wonderful Christmas Time – This is proof that everything the members of the Beatles did made music history, but this isn't the kind of history you want. Paul McCartney and his synthesizer are "simply having a wonderful Christmas time" while the rest of us are simply trying to keep our Santa cookies down. Hey Jude this ain't.
Happy Xmas (War Is Over) – Not even John Lennon was immune to the Beatles' Christmas curse. Stunningly, his offering is even worse than Paul's. What have we done? Listened to your terrible music, that's what. The title of this song isn't even accurate because it was released four years before the Vietnam War ended. It is possible to do something and not be political, especially when that something is Christmas. Imagine that.
Christmas Conga – Bonga, bonga, bonga. It's actually kind of good in a terrible way and grows on you the more you listen to it. Don't get sucked into its vortex. It's for the best.
Funky, Funky Christmas – The New Kids on the Block in all their '90s glory destroyed holiday music forever with this song that literally only repeats "Funky, Funky Christmas" over and over and over and over and over.
Please Daddy Don't Get Drunk This Christmas – John Denver is tired of seeing his momma cry and it happens every time his daddy comes home around midnight and passes out under the Christmas tree. Good advice. Bad song.
I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas – No, you don't. Hippopotamuses kill more people each year than any other animal in Africa – more than lions, crocodiles, cobras and sharks.
Do They Know It's Christmas – Yes, we do, but after listening to this song we wish it wasn't.
Dominick the Donkey – Jingitty-jing. Eee-ahh. Eee-ahh. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-de-oh-dah.
River – This song makes no sense. Joni Mitchell wants to skate away on a river, which is impossible, and wants the river to be long so her feet can fly. She made her baby cry because she's selfish and hard to handle. Yeah, that's just the kind of person you want to spend Christmas with.
Boys and Girls (Xmas Love Time) – Who can forget all those great Christmas memories of hanging out poolside in a bikini? Wait. What? It's basically a remix of Boys (Summertime Love), which is a good song, but instead of Sabrina it's by the Cheeky Girls. Snowfall is supposed to help you set your body right and get you in the mood for a holiday romance, which is apparently a thing that exists.
Cherry Cherry Christmas – Neil Diamond knows how to rhyme. Good for him. Bad for us. It's basically an excuse for Diamond to mention to bunch of other, better songs he sings. Have a very merry, cherry cherry, holly holy, rock-and-rolly Christmas.
Leroy the Redneck Reindeer – Apparently redness runs in reindeer families, but instead of a red nose Rudolph's long lost relative had a red neck. But despite killing some geese, he saves Christmas by pulling Santa's sleigh with his four-wheel drive.
Everybody Knows the Claus – Sounds like everything else Hanson recorded, and that's not meant to be complimentary.
Merry Christmas With Love – Sappier than the Douglas fir dying in your living room.
Christmas Don't Be Late – Chipmunks can't tell time, so they don't know Christmas happens the same day every year and by definition can't be late. If anything, it comes earlier and earlier each year. The song won three Grammy awards in 1958 for children's music, comedy and best engineered record. It got jazzed up and better in later versions, but you still can't understand a word they say and Alvin's been waiting 55 years for that dang Hula hoop. Maybe Christmas is late after all.
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